Rob’s Raw NFL Recap – Week 15

Rob is back at it, summing up the hectic-est week of the 2011 NFL season in a way only he can.

Well, I started this week’s recap a few days earlier than usual. Mistake. Because in this space, I had a well-written ode to Green Bay for going all in on the undefeated season. Even had a couple pot shots on Mercury Morris (the loudest, most annoying member of the ’72 Dolphins) locked and loaded.

That’ll teach me to be presumptuous.

So with the only winless team winning, the only lossless team losing, and the guy labeled simply “all he does is win” going down in a blowout loss, I’ve got absolutely nothing of substance to ease you into the recap this week (although, I’m sure you could argue that’s the case every week).

So instead of me writing something half-assed, I’ll just borrow some material from the fine folks at SNL:

Amen. Now it’s recap time:

Jaguars 14
Falcons 41

Who gives a shit?

Cowboys 31
Bucs 15

The rumor going around is that Tampa coach Raheem Morris can save his job if he hires a defensive coordinator. If that’s true, I predict that coordinator will be Lovie Smith after he takes the fall in Chicago. You heard it here first.

Dolphins 30
Bills 23

Reggie Bush ran for over 200 yards in this game, the first time he’s done that in his career. Maybe Bush having a big day isn’t as much a sign of bad defense as it is an indication that Bush has actually evolved from a glorified 3rd down back into a solid starting running back. Maybe.

Seahawks 38
Bears 14

I’ll be stunned if Chicago wins another game this season.

Titans 13
Colts 27

Merry Christmas, Indy. You won’t go down in infamy as the 2nd team to go 0-16, yet you still sit in prime position for Andrew Luck. Well played.

Packers 14
Chiefs 19

If ending Green Bay’s 19-game win streak doesn’t get Romeo Crennel the Kansas City head coaching title sans the “interim” label, I’m not exactly sure what will.

Bengals 20
Rams 13

I know it hurts now, St. Louis–but this awful 2011 season might just be a blessing in disguise. You’ll almost certainly pick in the top 3–which means a QB-needy team will give you a bounty of picks to move up to take one, setting you up to stockpile picks, build around Sam Bradford, and accelerate the rebuilding process. Be patient, Rams fans.

Saints 42
Vikings 20

Another reason to hate the Vikings…teasing fantasy owners (like myself) into playing Adrian Peterson, only to pull him early and let Toby Gerhart rack up all the fantasy points on my bench. Real dick move.

Oh, and Drew Brees has just made the MVP vote very interesting…

Redskins 23
Giants 10

Teams looking to win their division don’t lose this game. And teams looking to draft a quarterback high in the 2012 draft don’t win this game. Either way…Merry Christmas, Skins fans. Your first season sweep of the Giants since 1999 is the lone bright spot in the season from hell.

Panthers 28
Texans 13

Two things were apparent in this game: Houston playing T.J. Yates at QB in the playoffs isn’t exactly a good thing, and Carolina is going to be one of the teams to watch in 2012.

Lions 28
Raiders 27

Anyone else think Sebastian Janikowski would have made that 65-yard field goal if Ndamukong Suh didn’t block it? I sure do.

Patriots 41
Broncos 23

“Lord? Why hast thou forsaken me?”–Tim Tebow

Jets 19
Eagles 45

Wanna hear something funny? If Philly wins out and the Giants and Cowboys shit the bed down the stretch (as usual), the Eagles will win the NFC East. In this bizarro 2011 NFL season, would you really be surprised if that actually happened?

Browns 17
Cardinals 20

Don’t look now, but Arizona just re-entered the wild card race in the NFC. Now that he’s 5-1, I wonder when John Skelton starts getting the same “all he does is win” treatment that Tim Tebow enjoys…

Ravens 14
Chargers 34

How’s this for irony: Baltimore’s inability to win on the road in the regular season just might force them to have to play on the road throughout the playoffs. That’s what happens when you peak in Week 1 against a division rival.

Steelers 3
Niners 20

So many “Lights Out” jokes, so little time…

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